Soo.. Me and my mother - we are usually in okay good terms, but lately the stress has just been too much, for and to me. I don't show it on the outside, but I feel every second of agony on the inside.

Maybe I've become more human in a way. It feels strange I guess. I've become more sensitive to things and emotions, and I can say that I din't like it in the least. If showing your true feelings to the world makes us human, then I don't want to be a human.

Humaness is overrated anyway, so why should I even care? Most of the time I don't care. And still I open doors to people, say "hello" to the buss driver and so forth. Manners are everything, I was taught.

Now I laugh at that. Older people say that we younger people behave badly - that's bullshit, our culture is just so different that people assume without knowing that we are this or that. Don't assume! It makes an ass out of you and me.

Also the living situation has gone from bad to worst really, have no apartment of my own, my mother doesn't stand me at her place and my boyfriend and his friends who I lived with some time ago, don't accept me, and my boyfriend wants to divorce me.

So that's about it. I'm sick, tired (didn't sleep last night) and fed up with everything. Just tired of life I guess. Well if you were in my situation you were fed up with life as well.

When 2012 comes I'll be fucking celebrating. I believe that anarchy comes, and I have prepared myself to that. I've studied languages, math and martial arts, computer science and science in general and have many many many books and notebooks worth of information going with me everywhere.

So when anarchy comes, I'll be ready. Because 2012 doesn't mean that the world ends.. No, it means that world as we know it ends. And that makes it so beautiful that's it's almost painfully arousing.

I enjoy watching people suffer. See those normal people without guidance. It's like they are sheep without their shepherd, and I'm going to laugh. They will fall like flies and I will laugh at the people who ruined my life with their "guidance" - without helping them.

But conscience is a bitch and I don't think I can just watch even if I wanted to. Life is cruel that way, and somehow I know that I will suffer once more. Maybe. Unless everything goes well, and nobody gets hurt, just model their minds to a little bit more.. accepting of the changes. Anarchy kills the weak - I hope I'm not weak enough to be destroyed. 

 

Azrael-Swan°°