Hi all,

 

I have not written in a long long time, but time to correct this at once. So am not in a band anymore. My guitarist was an asshole and ruined all of our lives and that's that. I've gotten more shifts at work and have found morning shifts to be actually enjoyable. Okay they are quite boring seeing that there are not too many customers but it gives me time to study and put the place in order. 

Here in Finland they are preparing for the election. There are at the moment 4-5 main political factions and because of the margin of error their endorsement is practically the same. So it's very exciting time in here. I'm not going to my own political views in here, but here is a link that explains in laymans terms how politics actually work in Finland: http://www.jalkiaanestys.net/ 

Now then, my friend is already much better and isn't so depressed anymore, but now I have this dilemma, should I still be her friend? I can't stand her in a way, but she's important. I have gotten used to her. Her political views are the complete opposite of mine, and her whole world view is different. She hasn't grown to be an adult, and continues stupidly to cling to her childhood freedom to do whatever she wants. Well that's that, I'll cross that bridge when I come to that. 

Now to my main topic of today: Mornings. I hate mornings with passion as my boyfriend has noticed. I'm cranky and moody and tend to crawl trough my mornings with sarcasm and belittling comments. Like said, I hate mornings. 

Now most of us mornings are not an issue, they sleep well the night before and everything is quite fine, their spouse gets them a coffee and gives a good morning kiss and all is well, they shower together and then go to work or something. 

I don't simply understand how they do it. It's a very very very big mystery to me, but hey, what isn't?
 

So, now I'm in a band. And I kinda of love it. i'll update the status of that to here as often as I can of course. Tomorrow having a bandtrain-session and so forth. I's gonna be so much fun I guess.

I like music and I'm according to my badn an "awesome" singer. I'm so proud of my self. Naturally :)

Nothing else has been happening. have updated my iPhone a bit and mbp too. I was thinking of buying and android phone or blackberry but as they have nothing against nokia and iPhone I don't see the need for that really.

 

Nothing new except those happening in my life. My bf still in the hospital and it seems that she'll be there at least 4 weeks still.

Still looking for an apartment.. do you have one for me?

 

Azrael-Swan°° 

Soo.. Me and my mother - we are usually in okay good terms, but lately the stress has just been too much, for and to me. I don't show it on the outside, but I feel every second of agony on the inside.

Maybe I've become more human in a way. It feels strange I guess. I've become more sensitive to things and emotions, and I can say that I din't like it in the least. If showing your true feelings to the world makes us human, then I don't want to be a human.

Humaness is overrated anyway, so why should I even care? Most of the time I don't care. And still I open doors to people, say "hello" to the buss driver and so forth. Manners are everything, I was taught.

Now I laugh at that. Older people say that we younger people behave badly - that's bullshit, our culture is just so different that people assume without knowing that we are this or that. Don't assume! It makes an ass out of you and me.

Also the living situation has gone from bad to worst really, have no apartment of my own, my mother doesn't stand me at her place and my boyfriend and his friends who I lived with some time ago, don't accept me, and my boyfriend wants to divorce me.

So that's about it. I'm sick, tired (didn't sleep last night) and fed up with everything. Just tired of life I guess. Well if you were in my situation you were fed up with life as well.

When 2012 comes I'll be fucking celebrating. I believe that anarchy comes, and I have prepared myself to that. I've studied languages, math and martial arts, computer science and science in general and have many many many books and notebooks worth of information going with me everywhere.

So when anarchy comes, I'll be ready. Because 2012 doesn't mean that the world ends.. No, it means that world as we know it ends. And that makes it so beautiful that's it's almost painfully arousing.

I enjoy watching people suffer. See those normal people without guidance. It's like they are sheep without their shepherd, and I'm going to laugh. They will fall like flies and I will laugh at the people who ruined my life with their "guidance" - without helping them.

But conscience is a bitch and I don't think I can just watch even if I wanted to. Life is cruel that way, and somehow I know that I will suffer once more. Maybe. Unless everything goes well, and nobody gets hurt, just model their minds to a little bit more.. accepting of the changes. Anarchy kills the weak - I hope I'm not weak enough to be destroyed. 

 

Azrael-Swan°° 

And so I have. I actually "got over it" like they say. So I picked the pieces and started a new. And now, I can say that because I have gotten things done, everything feels much lighter.

If I hate something i hate depression.

 

I hope that no one else would fall into this hole that is almost impossible to climb up from.

 

Azrael-Swan°° 

And yesterday was the nicest day in my whole life. Everything just went perfectly, I left my mothers place with a good feeling.. Well not. I was feeling sick, I just walked the street to the dentist like a drunken person.

Anyway, the receptionist at the dentist was a nice lady. She was very polite and reassured me that my irrational fear of dentist was going to be alright, that I was going to be alright.

Got to the dentist, well she wasn't as nice as the last dentist I had, but was nice regardless. And when I left I had these wonderful white, beautiful theeth. 

Next stop was to my working place, the bar that I work for, I met my boss, and he was having a good day, so we did what we did and I left with a happier mood still, 

then to the bank, where they tell me that I can't have master card. Which I don't need :) So no worries there. Anyway, next to the optic, where they found me lenses for my eyes, so no more glasses to me! ^^

Next I went to a bar and met my mother there, we sang and had fun, I didn't drink too much or anything but eventually she left with a sour mood, can't figure out why, I noticed that I was sick there. Had fever and so forth. Felt like a mess, and left the place at eleven.

Came to my mother's place and the first things in her mouth is:"You have ruined my life" And so - my wonderful day was ruin. So I relapsed. being depressed is truly shit. You have no joy in your life. I mean real joy, and you don't take care of the everyday things.

You just don't care enough to clean up your place and keep yourself in a good health. That's the reason when so many that are just depressed get the brand of being lazy assholes.

And it bugs me, it truly does. Well no matter, I remember when I was 16 or so, and first time moved out, I felt lighter somehow, and was a cleaning freak, everything just went  so well. I felt happy there.

Like something in my life was just going well. No I have learned that I have gotten done absolutely nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

I have just lazed around doing nothing achieving nothing. Everyone around me get things done and so forth. And no comments like:" You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you." Fuck that I tell you. 

My dream was to be a doctor. I would be forty when I get to be a doctor, unless a miracle happens. So no stories about that kind of shit. I just have to find something new for my dream. 

I hope your life goes well, mine doesn't.

Azrael-Swan°°